I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
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I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
This cat wants you to take your pills
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
how to exercise your calf muscles
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you