I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
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[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels