Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
You Might Also Like
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”