I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
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let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
They also CAN sing✌️
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
bad news gang
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Lucky for them, they’re cute
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday