[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.