Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?