9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.