[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
You Might Also Like
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops