I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
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[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
my first day as a raccoon
<- sleeps well with others
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
That’s easy for you to say
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED