Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.