Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
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If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Festive toon…
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor