All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
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I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.