Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
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Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.