My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
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Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that鈥檚 an excellent question about the job
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
When my kids don鈥檛 feel well: You should drink water.
When I don鈥檛 feel well: I should eat chips.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain鈥檛 got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
You know you鈥檙e a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he鈥檚 eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Wife: an asteroid is on it鈥檚 way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 馃槒
Happens to everyone.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we鈥檝e attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there鈥檚 any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 馃ぃ
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn鈥檛 last.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Just accidentally spilled my cat鈥檚 food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 馃槀