“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I’m good, thanks.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels