[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
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HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”