[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
can’t believe I got front row seats
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.