China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
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I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
🙄😏😂🤣
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.