Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
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Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.