Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
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30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?