Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
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This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.