*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
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STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie