them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows