Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
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How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp