Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse