I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
The glory of fall.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Follow me for more life hacks.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet