Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
*limbos away from your hug*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.