“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
You Might Also Like
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
I think my mom just blocked me
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths