My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
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I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
The Struggle
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.