please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
You Might Also Like
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting