Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
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I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
This checks out
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
is this meant to deter me
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I support this random dude and all his protests
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]