‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
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“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
set yourself free xox
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe