Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
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I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
#damn
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys