Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
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My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
me when the borders lift
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Wireless bra? What’s the password?