Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Only Americans understand
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.