What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
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I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.