I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
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Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏