Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
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Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
#parenting
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
wish me luck lads
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Chemical wingman
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
That earthquake could have been an email.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”