He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
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I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it