Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
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What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Breaking news:
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.