How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
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me: oh no they seem mad
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
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Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
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I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
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WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower