I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Hank is one in a melon.
handsome & gretel
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!