Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!