Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
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It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
This is painfully accurate 😅
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito