Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.