If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
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someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.