People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Yup….perfect score!
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I am HOWLING at this
For the ones in the back.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
That’s easy for you to say
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes