[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
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Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
the short answer to this question
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Who knew!
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling