Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
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I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Who needs an Air Fryer?
@ candidates for local office
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Ummm
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.