Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.